If you want me to top

What is topping?

The term ‘topping’, between men, usually refers to penetration and means the person who is doing the penetrating.

It’s possible to be a top who’s very active and is all about following his own pleasure; it’s also possible to be a top who enjoys being of service to the bottom.

I tend to be more in the second category.

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It's more than just a role

The reality of physical intimacy is far more than just a role, or a set of actions.

It's about two bodies responding to each other, and to what is happening between them, in real time.

For clarity:

Although my body leans more naturally toward being a bottom, I can also find enjoyment in topping when the focus is more on what the guy bottoming desires. (It's also worth noting that I don't ejaculate during topping).

It’s also important to recognise that there are a number of things which can impact what’s possible for a top, particularly when it comes to penetration with a penis…

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Erections

The penis is not a machine, and - despite what porn may suggest - erections (for all men) are not automatic or guaranteed!

Some of the things which can affect how erections show up are:

• Age – after 50 natural changes in the body mean erections can become less frequent or weaker
• Arousal – usually from stimulation which could be a combination of sensory, mental, or emotional
• Anxiety – feeling pressure to perform can often lead to feeling less relaxed and less aroused
• Condoms – can reduce the amount of sensation or stimulation felt by the penis

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What if erections don't happen?

Even if we have an intention during our session for penetration to happen it may not always be possible for it to happen the way either of us want.

If you want me to top there may be times when, for all sorts of reasons, it’s not possible for me to get an erection. It’s important to acknowledge that this can bring up feelings – for both of us. Some of these might include:

• Shame – feeling inadequate or like there’s something wrong
• Disappointment – not being able to have the experience you want
• Frustration – getting annoyed or wanting to push through and make something happen

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Some things that help me achieve or maintain erections

I'll be transparent about what I know can often work for me and my body:

• Medication – sometimes I may use Cialis to increase my body’s capacity for longer lasting erections
• Stimulation and interactive engagement – sometimes I might ask if you’re willing to engage with my body, and my erogenous zones, in ways which I know usually support my arousal
• Pausing - sometimes I find it helpful to pause, and try something else for a while so I don't get stuck in my head (fatal for erections!)

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Other ways we might explore penetration

In my experience (both as a bottom and as a top) enjoyable penetration doesn’t always have to involve a penis. Here are some other ways I might be able to support you if you want to experience penetration:

• Fingers – sometimes this can actually provide a subtler, more sensitive experience of having something inside you
• Toys – a way to experience penetration with more control over size and consistency
• Strap ons – a way to access a more sustained interactive experience if an erection is not possible or unreliable