Why slowing down is the #1 tip my clients benefit from

When things aren’t working the way you want in the bedroom, or in your physical intimacy, it can be very tempting to search for a quick fix.

And our culture encourages this – we want instant gratification: we want something and we want it now!

But, as body-based coach Marina Yanay-Triner points out, there’s a fundamental issue at the heart of this which doesn’t often get addressed:

“Urgency is a trauma response. The need to heal fast, the need to get there already. Think about traumatic events: they require for us to act urgently, without much thought. They activate the part of us that is more automatic, rather than thoughtful, slow and mindful”.

In other words: wanting instant results is actually a bit of a contradiction when it comes to things which are important for intimacy and sex – such as consent, overcoming trauma, or learning healthier new skills.

In fact, slowing down is the number one tip I give my clients when it comes to personal learning and growth – and here’s why:

1. When you slow down you’ll feel more

If what you want to do is build more connection with your body then slowing down is essential.

When you slow down you notice more, which means you’ll feel more.

And the more you’re able to feel, the easier it becomes to listen to your body, and to trust what it wants – in other words: to follow the wisdom that your body already has.

Slowing down means you’ll be much more able to notice when something feels genuinely enjoyable, and when it doesn’t – it’s very hard to notice something like that when you’re going too fast.

Slowing down also makes it easier to notice when you want something to stop, or to change – before things go too far, or get unsafe.

2. If you want to make changes slowing down is important

Improving wellbeing often involves re-wiring patterns of a lifetime, or learning new and unfamiliar ways to do things.

And this can feel intense – as one of my teachers and colleagues, Dr Betty Martin, notes:

“As any activity becomes more intense we become more likely to revert to our default. The cure for intensity is to slow down.”

Even something as simple as pausing more often, or not diving in at the deep end but starting with something that feels easier or more neutral, can make a big difference.

3. Why slowing down is important for learning

The fast pace of today’s world means most of us have become habituated to rushing from one thing to the next.

But when you do that you’re not giving your body and mind a chance to integrate the learning from what you’ve experienced.

That’s why, when you work with me, everything we do in our sessions always has space included at the end to spend some time in stillness, without the need to ‘do’, or achieve anything specific. This helps your body to more fully integrate whatever it’s just experienced.

For the same reason I also always include time after each practice to reflect on what you’ve noticed during it – so that what you’ve felt in your body has a chance to connect with the cognitive part of you, and you can make more sense of it.

Both of these are ways to slow down. And that’s how deeper learning happens.

Slowing down requires time, and spaciousness. That’s why almost all my coaching sessions happen over a number of hours – so that you have the opportunity to go as deep as you want, without feeling rushed.

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Check out my In Person Coaching to learn more about how you could benefit.

And if you want some tips for how to slow down when you’re by yourself, here are a few science-based ideas for you