more gay pleasure

3 essential steps to having more pleasure

There are 3 essentials you need if you want more pleasure in the bedroom. But you may be surprised at what they are…

There’s no doubt about it – pleasure is complex

And, as useful as they are, most good sex guides for gay men tend to focus on the nuts and bolts of actions, and roles, rather than what contributes to an experience of pleasurable touch.

However, there are some essential things that need to be present, and 3 steps you need to focus on in order to be able to experience more pleasure from gay interactions.

What are they?

Let’s start with the pleasure, and work backwards:

Step 3 – experiencing pleasure

In order for gay guys to experience more pleasure your body needs to be in a physiological state to actually feel it!

Pleasure is possible in lots of different contexts, and body states:

  • it’s possible to feel pleasure in a neutral physiological state (for example when you’re socially engaged, like having a chat with a friend);
  • you can also experience pleasure when you’re in an activated state (play is a good example of this, like sport or dancing);
  • or you can experience it in a relaxed state (such as intimacy).

The important thing to remember is that this experience of pleasure is happening in your own body – it’s not something anyone can ‘give’ you.

And in order to be able to feel the pleasure that’s happening in your body (either sensation or emotion) you need to be in a body state that allows you to feel as safe as possible.

Step 2 – finding more safety

Unfortunately, when you start to feel unsafe your body enters a different type of state, and pleasure becomes less possible.

Depending on your level of activation this is commonly referred to as fight, flight, or freeze (as well as the associated states of fawn or flop).

Of course, safety is relative – what feels unsafe for one person might feel absolutely fine for another.

But even if your body response is only a mild version of any of these states it means that you’ll literally start to find it harder to stay connected with sensation or emotion, as your brain shuts down any parts of your system which it considers are not essential to survival.

Intimacy, play, or social engagement – and therefore pleasure – becomes harder the less safe you feel.

So how can you create the optimum conditions for more pleasure?

Step 1 – creating more choice

One of the best ways to create more of a feeling of safety is to create more choice.

Imagine being in a room with an open door. Now imagine being in a room where the door has been blocked up and there’s no way out.  Which one feels safer for you? And what do you notice in your body as you imagine these two scenarios?

If you want to enjoy touch more the best place to start is by finding ways to create more choice for yourself in the environment where the touch is happening.

How this looks will be different for everybody. A few example might include:

  • Creating a container for your interaction which has clear limits – like a set amount of time, or a particular location
  • Making an agreement beforehand with the other person about what kind of touch will (or won’t) happen
  • Knowing you can change your mind, pause, or stop whenever you want

Because many gay guys have experienced a decrease in safety as a result of our identity, it’s even more important for us to start with creating more safety as the first step towards having more pleasure.

Extra tip: what to do if exploring pleasure feels edgy

When you’re exploring ways to create more pleasure, and you’re struggling with what to do if things feel a bit edgy, check out my video on how to expand your comfort zone safely:


If you want to enjoy touch more my conSensuality coaching sessions are a great way to build your skills and practice in a learning space designed specifically for you and your needs, with safety built in.