Want to change your relationship with gay porn?

The internet is for porn

“The internet is for porn…” sing the characters in a song from the musical ‘Avenue Q’ (witty, if maybe a little close to the, erm, knuckle!)

But the truth is the explosion of online interactions, which often includes porn, has become a big part of an increasing problem of disconnection – both physical and emotional – that many gay men experience when it comes to sex.

While, in itself, porn doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it does have two basic detrimental impacts:

Firstly, for many people the explicit level of detail available online means that porn has become a primary source of education in terms of how ‘sex should be’.

Secondly, porn (as well as sexual fantasy) focusses your attention on something external, and head-based, and in the process takes your awareness away from your body, and how your body feels.

Which just compounds the sense of physical disconnection already created by interacting with a screen.

How you access porn makes a difference

Most people (especially men) interact with porn in a way which is counterintuitive to fully embodied pleasure.

If you’re someone who engages with porn think, for a moment, about where you usually access it. Chances are that’ll be on a computer screen, while sitting down.

The position of the body when sitting is one which bears little resemblance to any natural sexual position.

The body is locked into a shape which not only compresses internal organs (resulting in restricted blood flow, and decreased sensitivity, to the genitals) but also allows for very little natural movement – something which is key to getting your sexual energy flowing.

It’s hardly surprising so many people find their interactions with porn are ultimately physically unfulfilling.

TIP: Standing up, and moving your hips, when engaging with your porn is a quick, easy way to counteract this – check out my other tips if you ‘need a hand’ getting the most out of your masturbation.

Does porn addiction exist?

The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists does not support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and does not find most sexual addiction training and treatment methods to be adequately informed by accurate knowledge of human sexuality (read their full statement).

A 2015 study found that believing oneself to be addicted to pornography, not actual pornography use, was the more significant cause of associated distress.

There is still almost no in-depth scientific, and empirically tested research on porn and its physical effects.

Some schools of thought (particularly those based around anecdotal research) equate excessive porn use with the substance abuse addiction model. And it is often compared to behavioural addictions like gambling, or online gaming.

However in 2019 a study on porn addiction in the Journal of Clinical Medicine noted that even though hypersexual disorders (including problematic use of online pornography) might fit the model, behavioural addictions are still a largely unexplored field of study.

And, of course, human sexuality has many more highly individualised and complex elements than gambling or gaming.

Moving beyond gay porn addiction

What is clear is that for many gay men the struggle with their relationship with porn is real, and this can manifest in ways which may look similar to addiction.

A lot of information on the internet suggests that the best way to deal with a porn addiction (gay or otherwise) is to stop masturbating – the process is commonly referred to as ‘NoFap’. If you’re considering this as an option I’d encourage you to read this well-put-together article about it first.

But because masturbation and sex are, ultimately, a physical experience, I believe the best way to approach related body-based issues is to start with the body itself.

Even though porn can create an unhealthy reliance on an external source of stimulation, your body still has all the tools it needs for creating pleasure from within yourself.

Working with me offers the opportunity – without shame or judgement – to reconnect with these tools, re-wire patterns, develop new neural pathways, and create a more conscious understanding of how to be the source of your own erotic pleasure.

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If you’d like to change your relationship with porn or masturbation check out Pleasure In Yourself coaching with me

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For more information:

Facts Of Porn Scientific and evidence-based information with links to articles and published papers (UK)

In-depth and balanced Medical News Today article on signs and causes of porn addiction, as well as links to research (USA)